I have a wedding in 14 days. It often takes a long time for things to hit me. I actually have to be in the moment to realize I am scared shitless. I often run, eyes wide open, without fear, towards life decisions that make my loved ones nervous. I’m not reckless (most of the time), I just appreciate a good adventure; I love to live.
Perhaps I have made it sound as if getting married is a bad decision, this would not be true; I am certain of the person I want to spend my life with. While I am a person that posesses an aspect of fearlessness and cravings for adventure, there is a person scared of being the center of attention. The idea that I will have to be the focal point for a large crowd of people scares me.
I have packed up my suitcase and moved to the other side of the planet more than once. I have moved knowing I only have enough money to survive for a week at best. I like to let absolute strangers live with me in close quarters and aid them in their travel adventures. It gives me immense pleasure to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. All of this is me, but speaking in public scares the crap out of me and being the center of attention makes me uncomfortable. This is also me.
It isn’t that I feel bad about myself or that I think people won’t like me. Most of the time, people like me and if they don’t, that is none of my business (new motto for 2011). I think my issue lies with a lack of narcissism; I really don’t find being a ‘princess’ for a day appealing, I hate the idea actually. I just want to declare my love and dedication for Gareth to all those that we love and have an awesome time with them afterwards. That is it.
I don’t want to feel like I am putting on a performance; stressing over my appearance, stressing over the décor, stressing over everyone else’s appearance, stressing over our first dance, stressing over the way my cupcakes look or what table they will be on. These things are trivial and shouldn’t matter so much. It is like I have to display my ultimate hosting abilities. Do I have hosting abilities?
I suppose I do. Or if I didn’t before, I do now. I think I have read every wedding blog there is and I have flipped through wedding magazines galore trying to figure out what I want to do and what I should be doing. In the end, I realized that most of the stuff I read annoyed me and I have decided to do what Gareth and I like in a way that will make us and our loved ones happy. I hope I have accomplished that.
I just want everyone to be pleased with it all and for everyone to be truly happy for the occasion. If I have accomplished this, I will be happy.
These are the times I miss my Mom and Sister.
…even though it would be nice to have them here to support me and help me feel confident, I know I will kick ass.